The Starfish Sex Position

You won’t find it in the ocean, but you might just discover it’s your new favorite position in the bedroom. The Starfish is a slow, relaxed, and surprisingly intimate sex position - one that works especially well for couples where the penetrating partner is on the larger side. And if neither of you has a penis? A double-ended dildo makes this just as enjoyable.

 

To get into position, the penetrating partner lies on their back with both arms and legs stretched out wide - like a starfish. The receiving partner faces them, lowers themselves onto the penis or dildo, and gradually reclines backward, extending their legs out on either side of their partner’s body until they’re lying back flat.

Move slowly from the start. Quick movements can cause the penis to slip out or bend awkwardly - and penile fractures, while rare, are a real risk in unusual positions.

 

If anything feels off, stop immediately and check in with your partner. Non-verbal signals work well here since you can’t make eye contact - a squeeze of the hand or a tap on the leg lets your partner know you’re okay, or that you want to stop.

Lube is a must in this position. It makes penetration more comfortable, keeps things moving smoothly, and protects the skin from friction. Even with lube, things can get slippery - which is one more reason to keep the pace slow and deliberate. If the penis slips out, just laugh it off and find your way back in.

Is it the same as “starfishing” in bed?

Not quite. “Starfishing” is a slang term for a partner who lies flat and completely passive during sex, not contributing anything to the experience.

In certain consensual relationship dynamics, that kind of passivity is actually a kink - one partner wants to feel “used” in a safe, agreed-upon way. When it’s mutual and discussed beforehand, there’s nothing wrong with it.

 

But when passivity happens unexpectedly and without discussion, that’s a different story. If your partner suddenly goes still or disengaged during sex, stop and check in. Ask simply and calmly whether they want to keep going, or whether they’d rather try something else.

If they still seem unenthusiastic, don’t push. Giving them space to be honest makes for better experiences down the line - for both of you.

How is The Starfish supposed to feel?

Slow. Intimate. Low-effort in the best possible way.

Because both partners are leaning away from each other, the Starfish naturally creates shallow penetration - a depth that a lot of people find genuinely more comfortable than deep thrusting, especially with a well-endowed partner. There’s very little room for vigorous movement, but that’s part of what makes it so easy to stay present and connected without getting worn out.

 

Despite the limited motion, it delivers solid G-spot or P-spot stimulation, since the penis or dildo presses naturally against the front wall of the vagina or the front wall of the anal canal.

Both partners also have their hands completely free throughout, which makes clitoral or penile stimulation easy to incorporate at the same time. That combination of internal and external stimulation simultaneously is what many people describe as a “blended” orgasm - and it tends to feel more intense than either type alone.

With a dildo

 

If neither partner has a penis, a double-ended dildo is the most practical way to enjoy this position. Something longer and flexible gives both partners enough length to get into position and still feel comfortable.

Apply generous lube, slide in together, and lean back. From there, hands are free to take care of clitoral stimulation while both partners grind slowly against the dildo. The Comfy Sleepers Intimacy Pillow can help prop up hips if the angle needs adjustment - something that comes up often with this kind of setup.

If you’re working with a strap-on, you’ll need a longer, more flexible dildo to make the angles work. Propping both partners up on their elbows or using a firm pillow under the hips can make penetration far more manageable.

 

As a bondage position

 

For couples who enjoy power dynamics, the Starfish shape translates naturally to a restraint setup. The submissive partner can be cuffed to the bed in the classic arms-and-legs-spread position using an under-mattress restraint system.

Before getting into it, have a clear conversation about what’s on the table - penetration, oral, or something else entirely - and agree on a safe word or signal.

 

After any kind of bondage session, take time to check in with each other. Talking through what felt good, what didn’t, and what you’d want to do differently is how these experiences become something you both look forward to repeating.

 

As an anal sex position

 

The Starfish can work as an anal sex position, but it’s better suited to couples who are already familiar with anal play rather than beginners. Getting into position takes time and coordination, and the angle is more demanding than it looks.

 

Use a generous amount of anal-specific lubricant, take time to warm up, and let the receiving partner set the pace throughout. The angle provides strong P-spot stimulation for partners with a prostate. For partners with a vagina, the sensation of fullness in this position can feel intense and pleasurable in its own way.

 

If The Starfish isn’t for you, try this

 

• Add clitoral stimulation: The receiver can use their fingers or a small vibrator to work the clitoris at the same time. Since you can’t thrust vigorously, layering in external sensation makes the experience significantly more satisfying for most people.

 

• Use a positioning pillow: Sliding a firm pillow or an intimacy wedge under the receiver’s hips lifts the pelvis and changes the angle of penetration just enough to make contact easier. This is particularly useful if the penetrating partner is on the shorter side, or if either partner has limited mobility. The Comfy Sleepers Intimacy Pillow is built for exactly this kind of use - it holds its shape under pressure and keeps the angle consistent, which regular pillows rarely manage to do.

 

• Explore sensory play during foreplay: Light touch along the inner thighs, nipples, or stomach before penetration can make the body significantly more responsive to what follows. A feather tickler, massage oil, or warm touch in these areas can ease both partners into the position in a much more turned-on state.

 

• Try a wand vibrator: A wand with a long handle can reach erogenous zones without either partner having to sit up or shift position. It works well against the clitoris, scrotum, or nipples throughout the session.

 

3 Starfish variations to try

 

The Spider

 

In The Spider, the giver sits up rather than lying flat, which makes the angle easier to manage and takes a lot of the physical risk out of the equation.

The penetrating partner sits with bent knees, feet planted, and leans back onto their hands for support. The receiving partner lowers themselves down onto the penis and gradually reclines until they’re lying back or resting on their elbows. The receiver can self-stimulate while the giver watches or uses their hands to explore their partner’s body.

 

Reverse Starfish

 

The Reverse Starfish keeps the same shallow-penetration dynamic but flips the receiver to face away.

The giver lies flat with legs spread; the receiver straddles them facing away - similar to Reverse Cowgirl - then slowly leans forward between the giver’s legs once penetration is established. The natural upward curve of the penis stimulates slightly differently in this orientation, and the giver has easy access to their partner’s rear for caressing, squeezing, or light teasing.

 

Pretzel Starfish

 

This variation borrows from the Pretzel position - one partner’s legs straddle the other’s, creating a tightly interlocked shape that looks complicated but feels surprisingly natural.

The giver kneels, straddling one of the receiver’s legs, then eases back onto their hip while the receiver hooks their upper leg around the giver’s waist. From here, the giver has genuine leverage to thrust, giving the position more energy than the classic Starfish while the receiver can relax into it. Eye contact is easier to maintain here, and penetration tends to be deeper.

 

Conclusion

 

The Starfish earns its reputation as one of the most genuinely relaxed and sensual positions in the bedroom. It’s low-effort, connection-focused, and great for couples who prefer shallow penetration or want something they can settle into without a lot of athleticism. The variations give you room to find the angle that works best for your bodies.

If you’re finding it difficult to get the depth or angle right, a positioning pillow makes a real difference. The Comfy Sleepers Intimacy Pillow is designed specifically to support comfortable positioning during sex - holding its shape throughout so you can focus on the moment rather than constantly readjusting. Whether you’re working with the classic Starfish, the Reverse version, or the Pretzel variation, having the right support under the hips tends to be the thing that finally makes the position click.

 

This article is for informational and educational purposes only.